Are We Going To Be Americans About This?

America is going gaga over soccer. All of a sudden, we're painting our faces and destroying workplace productivity so we can follow the men's national team at the World Cup.

So now that the USMNT (that's insider-lingo, apparently required of anyone who REALLY knows what's up) has reached the Round of 16 by losing to Germany, it's time to start acting like Americans.

For starters, why do red-blooded Americans suddenly go all Euro when talking about the score of  a soccer game? "Two-nil"? Please. "Two-to-nothing" is the way we talk here. Try going to AT&T Park and talking about the "four-nil" final score of Lincecum's no-hitter. See how that works out for you.

The list seems endless. We already offend foreign ears by calling the game "soccer" (because we all know what "football" really is), so why do we feel compelled to call the surface on which it's played a "pitch"? It's a "field", same as it is when you play anything else on it.

And for crying out loud, when someone scores a tying goal, they "tied" the game up. "Leveling" is for building contractors.

If you insist on using un-American sports language, then why not go all-in? The Brits call a game a "fixture". Here, we keep our fixtures in the bathroom or kitchen. They also refer to the "standings" (as in, "Who's in first?") as the "table". Here in this country, a "soccer table" is that game in the basement of the frat house.

I could go on, but by now, I hope you get the point. It's bad enough that the greatest country on Earth saw its citizens dancing in the streets after its national team lost its way into the next round of a soccer tournament. Must we surrender our sporting language, too?

America, we have a few days to sort this out. Let's get ready for some football.